We recently read about the sensate focus exercises and how good it was for couples to slow down, reduce performance pressure, become more present with each other, communicate better, and rediscover pleasure and intimacy without the expectation of sex or orgasm. So we decided to give it a try!! If you’re familiar with it already, you’ll notice that we slightly changed a few things, to make it the perfect experience for us! For example we don’t switch roles during the experience, we found it simpler and less distracting to stay in one role for the entire challenge.
We had such a good time and felt such a deep connection doing this that we thought we’d share our version with you, in case you and your partner want to give it a try too!
We filmed our experience, so if you wanna watch it and get a little more inspiration you can find it there:
Step 1: Set aside at least 1h where you won’t be interrupted. Put your phones away and create a calm, comfortable space where you can both fully relax.
Step 2: Decide who will be the receiver/giver for the entire experience.
Step 3: The giver starts by playing with anticipation: bringing their hands very close to their partner’s body without actually touching it, to awaken sensitivity and build anticipation.
Step 4: Blindfold the receiver.
Step 5: Start playing with the sense of touch by gently caressing your partner’s body. At this stage, avoid erogenous zones like breasts or genitals, keep your touch focused on arms, legs, face, back, etc. As the giver, you can also guide the receiver’s hands over the same parts of your body. This is not really foreplay, more just awakening different parts of your body in a non sexual way.
Step 6: Now create a full body sensory play experience for the receiver. You can include erogenous zones and genitals but don’t make it sexual. This is about sensation, not stimulation. Use different things at your disposal: texture, temperature, and movement. Anything that can create interesting layers of sensation and contrast for the receiver.
Step 7: You can stop the challenge here, that’s perfectly fine. The experience doesn’t require sexual stimulation or orgasm. This final step is completely optional and is not the focus of the challenge. However, if you both feel like it, the touch can naturally become more sexual, and you can pleasure your partner with your hands or mouth. If you do, try to keep the theme of awakening touch even at this stage. Keep playing with other parts of their bodies, maybe go back to temperature play, etc.
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Tips
What James loved
I loved how much this kind of experience can change what you think about something as simple as touch. I think we rely so much on visuals that we don’t really connect with what happens with other senses. When we were talking about this experience it reminded me of the Dine In The Dark restaurants. Without being able to see your food all your other senses go crazy, you’re trying to recreate the visual picture you’d have for your plate and what’s in it just with your sense of smell or taste. I wanted to do something similar for Lola and it was really nice to see her react to my touch and the different sensations I had prepared. It’s a very peaceful and calm way to approach connection and eroticism. I think any couple could benefit from something like this.
And to be honest I can’t wait for us to try this again, this time as the receiver. I am very curious about what the experience is like from that perspective.
What Lola loved
What I loved most was not having any goal, and not knowing what was coming next. Not having any script in my mind. I couldn’t guess what James was going to do, so I just had to be there and experience it. The biggest surprise for me was watching what I thought would be a completely non-sexual touch become super erotic. I started feeling pleasure in places I would have never expected, and it made me realize I can experience pleasure in so many more ways than I thought. Even the lack of touch became erotic. Anticipation itself became a tool for excitement. It made me wonder why our definition of sex is so narrow most of the time. Also, one of my favorite moments was when James ejaculated on me. I know it might sound like it breaks the whole sensate vibe of the challenge, which is all about touch rather than sex, with such an overtly sexual act. But I didn’t experience it that way. To me, it was another way of exploring touch and texture in a really sensual way, to be surprised with warm cum on my body. I felt like he did it not for his own pleasure, but to let me experience it, which is an interesting way to think about male ejaculation. Especially because it didn’t happen at the end, so it completely broke the script we’re so used to, where sex ends with the man’s ejaculation. Here it was like, “Yeah, he ejaculated. It was nice. But that wasn’t the ultimate goal at all, and there is absolutely no expectation linked to that event”. So that was really nice, I really recommend this challenge to any couple who wants to spend quality time together and strengthen their intimacy and connection, without any pressure.
We offer two courses: For Men and For Women.
Each course can be taken independently, but they were designed to complement one another. For the best results, we recommend that both partners take their respective version.
