My girlfriend is home. She got home a week ago and I was so anxious about it, to be honest. We already had a tough chat about what’s been going on while she’s been gone.. about my sexual explorations over the summer while she was away working. I was almost worried I wouldn’t be excited to see her, or that maybe the attraction would be gone. But nope. I was very excited to see her and can confirm I’m still very attracted to her 🤣.
Our roommate moved out at the end of August and we finally have space to breathe. Thank goodness. But truthfully, all of this talk about the explorations I’ve been doing this summer has made her anxious. Unsure. It’s overall not a sexy vibe. She’s unsure about what I actually like when we have sex, worried she’ll hurt me, or make me feel weird. She picks up on my energy, and it just sucks the desire right out of the room.
I picked her up from the airport on Sunday, and by Monday we were already having a pretty deep, intense talk about sex: what we each want, what we need, and what it looks like to explore both together and separately. I barely let her unpack 😅
She told me, “You’re doing all this exploration, which is amazing, but that’s your journey. I don’t want to be part of it, not because I don’t want you to do it, but because it’s yours. And I have my own things to do and explore.”
And she’s right. She has her own discovery to make too, and I want her to explore that. But of course, I also want us to discover things together, to figure out what we like as a couple. She totally agrees, which we’re very much on the same page about.
By Tuesday though, we were still talking about sex. This time about how we can make more space for it. We laughed about the fact that we have a second bedroom now. Why are we always just in our bed? We should be fooling around on the couch, in other places, shaking it up!
Then we dipped into desires. I asked, ‘Do you like being dominated? Do you want to dominate me? I wrapped my hand gently around her neck.’ She said, ‘I think in the right situation, I wouldn’t mind that. It’s kind of hot.’
I restrained her wrists a little. She liked it. We teased each other, played with each other’s nipples, and watched a little porn. The heat built quickly. She’d been gone for three months so it makes sense!
And then we tumbled into it. She went down on me for the first time in a looong time, and slipped her fingers inside me. It felt incredible and I could tell I wasn’t in my head so much. My favorite thing in the world is going down on her, and when I did, she came fast. Watching her like that is always my favorite part. And more often than not I come from watching her orgasm.
I grabbed my vibrator to finish, which is normal for me, but right when I thought I could let go the anxiety hit.
‘Why am I not coming faster? Is she going to think I didn’t enjoy any of this? Am I taking too long? The sensations are going away!’
I was suddenly out of my body and trapped in my head. And instead of staying with it when all I probably needed was one or two more minutes, I faked it.
Because everything before that moment was amazing: hot, playful, connected, out of my head. And then I let that old performance reflex take over.
It rattled me because I’ve told her about this before. About how sex with my past partners was never really for me. How I learned to fake it, to perform, to make it look like it was working, even when it wasn’t. Sex became about giving, about pleasing, about getting it over with. Never about me.
And now, I just did the same thing with her.
I’m not going to tell her. But I’m super frustrated. I want to figure this out.
Why does it seem like other people are so easily turned on, while I take so much longer to warm up? I feel like I was excited before we actually started having sex, but the foreplay could’ve been longer for me. But I was the one who initiated to start having sex???? WHAT IS THAT? It’s all old habits. I know it. And why, the second we start, do I feel this sharp self-awareness of my body, of her body, of how much time is passing, of everything???
I want sex to feel like mine and be able to stay in the sensations, in my body, and in the heated desire of it. I don’t want to climb back into my head and ruin it with old scripts.
But yesterday that’s exactly what I did. I faked it. And I hate that I did. And I can’t stop thinking about it.
♡ Anna
We offer two courses: For Men and For Women.
Each course can be taken independently, but they were designed to complement one another. For the best results, we recommend that both partners take their respective version.
