Hi! I’m Anna.
Welcome to this little corner of my sexual exploration. I’m glad you found your way here 🥰 I’m in my 30s, endlessly curious, and discovering parts of myself I’ve kept tucked away.
There’s this quote I read that said something like, “the people and moments life puts in front of you often reveal the places you’re not yet free.” Aaaand it’s happening. So, I guess I’m doing this. I’m going to share a lot of very personal shit. With other people. I’ll (hopefully) laugh my ass off, have the best orgasms of my life, and also probably panic and be sad. But I’m reminding myself it’s a privilege to get to explore things that fascinate me.
After many good chats with James, he floated this idea - me writing about the stuff that makes the three of us (and a LOT of people) lean in: sexuality, desire, intimacy, and relationships. The kinds of topics that tug at you and don’t let go. And honestly? I can’t stop thinking about it.
But, I’ve never flexed this creative muscle before. I’m not a professional. I have no idea exactly what this will be or how it will evolve. Am I going to be too much? Is this too depressing? Boring? Am I a bad writer?? It feels like I’m at the beginning of something. Or maybe the middle. Some awakening? Who fucking knows. The first conversation about this left me feeling like an imposter, fumbling to find my footing. Which, I guess, makes sense. But who cares. It’s my story.
Its energy is charged in a way that’s terrifyingly exciting. I want to feel playful in it. To feel desire without all this anxiety. To stop making it so serious. Sex should be fun, dammit! But the unknowns don’t help. They kind of send me spiraling.
It’s like part two of what happened during my separation and divorce. Back then, I’d only tapped into the first layer of whatever this is. I was in crisis mode: leaving my marriage, exploring with a woman for the first time, realizing I needed space to figure myself out.
That time was a mix of novelty and dread. A complete dopamine rush from breaking every norm of my old life. The sex was amazing, yes, but more because it was new and different and happening in the middle of my world falling apart. Then I moved, told myself I’d stay single, and there would be space to figure out who I was as a sexual and relational being.
But about a year in, I met my now-girlfriend. Then it got serious. At first, she was away a lot for work and the cycle of new and exciting continued. I never really had that in-between phase..hooking up, experimenting, being on my own long enough to deepen introspection. I don’t know if I need to unpack more of my trauma with men. To experiment with other women. And maybe with men. I’m not sure.
Now, three and a half years into this relationship, the newness has worn off. She’s home more. We’re more comfortable, more in routine. My life is more stable. And maybe that’s why all this is surfacing. There’s finally room for it.
The problem is, the energy feels a lot like it did during my separation: anxious, restless, and urgent. I don’t want to live there again. But I do want to do this work. To shed whatever internal shame or constraints are holding me back. I want a better sex life and deeper intimacy with myself and with her.
I want to explore together. To talk about it. To actually do it. But I’m not sure she feels the same depth of curiosity as I do. That scares me. And yep, you bet I cried about it in therapy last week.
Still, I think the beauty and the growth are in the journey. I’m trying not to need it to make perfect sense. I’m sitting with all the feelings. Riding the wave of this, however it unfolds 🤷🏻♀️
I hope something here resonates. I hope you take what you need. Happy reading.
♡ Anna
